College football gifts: Nick Saban gets golf tips and Billy Napier a vacation | Toppmeyer
My birthday is nearly here. You should know I gladly accept gifts of nice rum or cheap beer. Also, I’m willing to make room on my bookshelf for a quality read.
And for any loyal readers who might own vacation property in the Caribbean: I love the sun, sand, crystal-clear waters … and tiki drinks. You might also contact Billy Napier. He's going to need a getaway destination.
The true gift, though, is giving back. So, I’m dishing out preseason presents before kickoff arrives.
Here's my gift list:
Greg Sankey: A UNC Tar Heels pennant.
Jim Harbaugh: A vinyl copy of MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This.”
Lincoln Riley: A good realtor.
Kirby Smart: A better fourth-string left guard.
Steve Sarkisian: A healthy running back.
Subscribe to SEC Football Unfiltered
iTunes | Google Play | Spotify
Brett Yormark: A long weekend in Tijuana.
Paul Finebaum: A one-week vacation from his callers.
Sam Pittman: A two-week vacation to Yellowstone National Park, which I hear is lovely in October.
Clark Lea: A three-week vacation to Portugal, which I hear is lovely in November, with nary a construction crane in sight.
Billy Napier: A monthlong vacation to the Virgin Islands, which I hear are lovely in December.
Kalen DeBoer: A walleye dinner.
Nick Saban: A good caddie.
Butch Jones: A gig as Saban’s intern on “College GameDay.”
Hugh Freeze: A plaque commemorating his 2-4 record (almost 3-3!) against Saban.
Jimbo Fisher: A podcast with Saban called, “Nothing But Narcissists.”
Mike Elko: Fisher’s contract.
Lane Kiffin: A copy of “Wisdom and Things,” coauthored by Blake Toppmeyer.
Jeff Lebby: A copy of “Swing Your Sword,” by Mike Leach.
Mario Cristobal: A copy of “The Art of the Kneel.”
Bobby Petrino: A helmet.
Mike Norvell: A B1G T-shirt.
Dan Lanning: Adidas stock, to balance his portfolio.
Dabo Swinney: A coffee date with Tyler from Spartanburg.
Josh Heupel: Beers with Bob Stoops.
Brian Kelly:Dance lessons with Kim Mulkey.
Shane Beamer: A joyous Gatorade bath following the season opener against Old Dominion.
Mark Stoops: Season tickets to Kentucky basketball.
Pat McAfee: A muzzle.
Robert Griffin III: A job on FOX.
Sam Ponder: A job at OutKick.
Kirk Herbstreit: A meet-and-greet with Phil Mickelson, his egotistical equal.
Stephen A. Smith: A candlelit dinner for two with Saban.
Jalen Milroe: A Heisman Trophy.
Carson Beck: A trip to New York City to see Milroe win the Heisman Trophy.
Garrett Nussmeier: A defense.
Nico Iamaleava: A defense.
DJ Lagway: A red-zone package.
Quinn Ewers: A signed Arch Manning trading card.
Jaxson Dart:Pickleball lessons.
Florida fans: A coaching search.
Eliah Drinkwitz: A phone call from Florida.
Oregon fans: A United Airlines gift card.
UCLA fans: Earmuffs and a scarf.
Alabama fans: A playoff party.
Auburn fans: A signing day party.
Vanderbilt’s fan: A ticket to a fall baseball game.
Tennessee fans: A 44-ounce fountain Mountain Dew, preserved by Pilot.
Texas A&M fans: A victory against Texas.
Texas fans: A victory against Oklahoma.
Oklahoma fans: Directions to Memphis, home of the Liberty Bowl.
Ole Miss fans: Directions to Atlanta.
Georgia fans: A victory parade to celebrate UGA’s heist of the Fulmer Cup.
Athens-Clarke County Police:Overtime pay.
Blake Toppmeyer is the USA TODAY Network's SEC Columnist. Email him at BToppmeyer@gannett.com and follow him on Twitter @btoppmeyer.
Subscribe to read all of his columns. Also, check out his podcast, SEC Football Unfiltered, and newsletter, SEC Unfiltered.
This article originally appeared on Knoxville News Sentinel: College football: Gifts to Nick Saban, Lane Kiffin, Billy Napier