Healthy, happy children need healthy, happy parents. The U.S. Surgeon General agrees. | Opinion

A recent study from the American Psychological Association has found that the mere act of parenting is affecting our mental health. In fact, the Surgeon General has issued an advisory to call attention to the stress and mental health concerns facing parents and caregivers.

Throughout much of my 25 years as a therapist, I have worked with adolescents, helping them successfully navigate all sorts of challenges. While I experienced a lot of satisfaction and confidence helping teens in my therapy practice, helping my own teen was a completely different experience. All my best efforts to help my own kid were met with their resistance. Baffled, I tried harder. But the harder I tried, the more my teen resisted. We were caught in a never-ending cycle of chaos and things just kept getting worse.

When I was struggling with my own adolescent, I was reluctant to reach out for help. Stressed, worried, and ashamed, the last thing I wanted was someone to judge me, to tell me that everything I was doing was wrong. Fortunately, I did reach out for help, and I received support. It was like a salve. I felt relief and acceptance and was eventually able to think more clearly. After years of dismissing my own feelings and helping everyone else, I realized I was parenting out of a place of stress, fear and worry. I knew this was impacting my parenting and affecting my teen.

At work, it was easier for me to respond effectively to someone else’s teen. I cared about them certainly, but I wasn’t emotionally connected like I was to my own teen. I was able to listen openly and calmly without spiraling into negative thoughts about their future. I could maintain a rational mindset, seeing what was beneath their behavior and responding with support rather than reacting in a way that contributed to their distress. And because I experienced a sense of calm when I was with them, it promoted the same in them.

This wasn’t the case with parenting my own teen. I realized that if I was parenting out of fear and anxiety, I was more inclined to give into natural parental reactions — like fixing, controlling, avoiding, lecturing, enabling, overtalking, or punishing. I knew that if I wanted to respond more effectively, I would need to shift from trying to change my teen to first changing myself. So, I set off on a mission to help myself. I let go of unhealthy attitudes and behaviors and began a mindfulness and yoga practice. Eventually I noticed a difference in my parenting. I was calmer, able to sit and listen openly, I could speak out of compassion, and rather than doing things to escape the discomfort (like giving in to a limit or avoiding addressing an issue or trying to fix or control) I was able to respond in ways that lined up with my goals.

Many teens today are finding unskillful ways to cope – avoiding, defying authority, shutting down emotionally, isolating, using substances, or even engaging in self-harm. Sadly, these teens can then develop negative beliefs about themselves (“I’m not capable,” “I’m bad,” “There’s something wrong with me”) which can potentially follow them throughout their lives. I believe that if we want to help our teens, it is essential that we first take care of ourselves. When we ensure our wellbeing not only do we role model healthy living, and create a calmer environment, we have a better chance of responding effectively.

I believe that if we want our teens to live well, we must first ensure that we are living well. I also believe that supporting parents is essential. All those years ago, the support and acceptance I received not only helped me, but it positively impacted my teen. When we support parents– letting go of judgment, and providing acceptance, care, and understanding – teens ultimately benefit.

Jan Carden, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and parent coach at Caudillandcarden.com and ParentingTeensWisely.com.