Etiquette 101: How to Not Be A Rude House Guest

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Palatial houses are often erected and designed with hosting house guests in mind; whether it be for genuine relationships or a social ploy. So, if you've secured a weekend ticket at a friend's—you know, the one whose home sits beachside next to the handsome sailboat they bought two summers ago—go ahead and pack your bathing suit and your sunnies, but be aware that your behavior may determine whether your first visit will also be your last. Don't fret; we're here to help.

Should You Tip The Staff?

The debate about whether or not guests are responsible for leaving a gratuity has been raging at restaurants recently, but nowhere is the debate more hotly contested than on the homefront. It seems as though we're divided into two camps: Europeans who expect it and Americans who don't.

"In England, it's customary that guests tip the staff," Plum Sykes, author of Wives Like Us, a tale of Cotswalds drama, tells T&C. For the author, guests bringing a random gift does no good. "If you're staying at someone's house, it's expected that the guests tip the staff members who helped them during their stay, such as the butler, maid, or cook. It annoys me when people don't leave anything at all. Or, slightly worse, when they say 'Oh, sorry, I didn't bring cash.'"

But the rules change back on this side of the Atlantic. "If a host invites you to stay with them, they shouldn't expect your guests to pay your staff. Having someone stay over is very intimate, and by hosting them, that means they're practically family," a Connecticut-based host, who often invites guests to their mid-century home, tells T&C. "You've invited your guests to enjoy your home, and I prefer a gift that is thoughtful, not fiscal. Good manners aren't about crossing off a list. It's a continuation. You let them stay over, and hopefully, they will let you stay over at theirs, too."

A T&C tip, you ask: While it's evident that geography matters, be prepared to tip your friend's staff regardless of location. It's always more elegant to have it handy than to be scrambling to the nearest ATM on your last day. If that happens, then you may look like you're just covering up a misdeed.

Have You Overstayed?

Speaking of one's last day, when is that exactly? Your friends want you to spend time with them, but they haven't asked you to move in. "If guests come over for a weekend and arrive on Friday, I'd say the sweet spot for them to leave is probably Sunday lunchtime. Sunday is a school night, and the issue is when people decide to stay for afternoon tea," Sykes says.

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That's probably the most accurate conclusion, but it's important to read the room. The legendary band leader Peter Duchin once told T&C that he used the tempo of music to hint that a party is over. Perhaps the tempo of your host's energy is a great indicator, too. Does she seem to have taken more interest in the Sunday paper than you? Does she keep saying how busy her work week is going to be? These are sure signals that it's time to split.

So, What Should a Guest Bring?

For many hosts, the only thing required of their guests is a good attitude. But, many of them will also warn against being a mooch. This means, offering to be helpful around the house, or maybe planning (or making!) dinner one night. (And while it's been noted that "Nothing says ‘I don’t care’ like a candle," T&C certainly doesn't mind a Diptyque Feu de Bois or Loewe Tomato candle to mark any occasion.)

But, there's one consistent thread guests should always have in mind, whether it be staying over at a friend's house or joining them for dinner: Entertainment. "No rich person is a generous host. They are usually bored narcissists looking for a slight diversion in their entitled lives," Gary Janneti, wrote in his new book We Are Experiencing a Slight Delay, which does, in fact, make an excellent gift. "You are the human equivalent of a new streaming series, nothing more, nothing less. And if you’re not amusing enough, they will not watch all episodes." The latter might not always be the case, but a few belly laughs are never a bad payment for someone who is letting you stay in their home.

Or, you can take Janneti's advice for the the safest option: "A good house guest is someone who stays in a hotel."

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