How to Use Love Languages to Work Through Family Conflicts

Medically reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhDMedically reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhD

Imagine this: it’s been a long day taking care of the house and picking up kids from school, and you haven’t yet made dinner. Your partner comes home and asks what’s for dinner that evening. Your children are also getting hungry. A conflict emerges as each member of the family begins to feel stressed and pressured, though no one wants to argue. This is a moment where collaboration can turn down the temperature in the room, quickly escalating what could have turned into a blow up.

An argument doesn’t have to be inevitable, even though parenting changes the relationship dynamics. By using Gary Chapman’s five love languages to avoid conflict, you and your family can arrive at a peaceful place—no food fights required. We spoke to experts so you can learn how.

What Are Love Languages?

In Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, he posited that every person has one of five ways in which they love and like to be loved best.

Understanding of your partner’s love languages has been demonstrated in some studies to improve overall satisfaction in the relationship. Further research found that using love languages to communicate with your partner could even improve your love life. Chapman’s love languages also require couples to understand one another on a deeper level: If you talk to your partner about your love languages, your relationship tends to be stronger. In fact, some women actually report falling even more in love with with partners who use their preferred love language, and proved to be true among both queer and heterosexual couples.

Who Can Use Love Languages?

Catherine Nobile, PhD, says that Chapman’s love languages can be used as a tool to help navigate conflicts both with a partner and a child.

“In both parenting and romantic relationships, love languages allow individuals to feel seen, appreciated, and emotionally fulfilled,” Dr. Nobile confirms.

How to Use Love Languages to Resolve Family Conflict

Before you try to resolve a conflict within the family, it’s important to understand your partner or child’s position or perspective. From there, you can work toward a solution through love languages, explains Kathryn Smerling, PhD, LCSW.

And, because lines of communication are already open, partners and parents can collaborate about the best solution to a conflict based on the others’ love language. Here is how each love language can be used to work through conflict.

Words of Affirmation

This love language relies on verbal communication: any affirming statement that helps a person know they are loved fulfills this love language.

If you’re having a conflict because one person feels overwhelmed while preparing dinner, a partner might say, “I see how hard you’ve been working. You’ve done such a good job with the house, and I want to help. What can I say that will make you feel loved in this moment?”

This level of encouragement allows the other party to communicate their needs while also receiving validation.

Acts of Service

This love language shows love through action rather than words. In other words, you can take on certain tasks that would make a partner or a child’s life easier or more enjoyable, which help resolve conflict around chores and household maintenance. Dr. Nobile says that an easy way to fulfill this love language is taking on a chore or running errands for the other party. If your partner hates going to the grocery store, for example, but you don’t mind the responsibility, taking it over is a meaningful act of service.

Receiving Gifts

Some people feel validated by both giving and receiving gifts. A meaningful gift doesn’t have to be something expensive, but instead it can be an object that shows how much a partner cares about you and how well they know you. If your partner’s toothbrush keeps falling over into your sink, for example, and you notice that it's a cause of aggravation, you could buy them a toothbrush rest. It may seem small, but it shows you’ve taken note of their needs and acted upon them.

“Show them the way that you appreciate their interests [and] that you care about the way they feel,” explains Dr. Smerling.

Quality Time

This love language relies on spending time together as a family without distraction. If you notice conflict arise because your partner is upset that you’ve been away at work all day, or that you’re spending too much time on your phone while they’re trying to talk to you, implement some quality time. Quality time simply looks like dedicating part of your day focusing solely on your partner or children, and can involve any activity, even one as simple as taking a walk in your neighborhood.

That doesn’t mean sacrificing your alone time, but rather finding a balance between family time and taking a break from your responsibilities—which will probably take time and much experimentation. With packed schedules, it might seem tough to achieve at first, but quality time proves to your family that you are committed to getting to know your kids in particular on an even deeper level.

Physical Touch

For those whose love language is physical touch, a simple kiss or holding hands can make all the difference–making your partner feel emotionally close to you with the support of physical affection. This method is especially beneficial if you're busy with work or always on the move as a family unit—reaching out for a quick hug doesn’t take long but it does that make it clear that you’re thinking about your family, committed to them, and want to be near them, even when it feels like you don't have always have time to connect on a deeper level.

If you see your partner reaching out for you during the day, make the effort to reciprocate their affection. If conflict arises because it starts to feel as though there's no effort being made to engage in physical affection, try to take a few minutes out of your day to hold hands or hug your partner or child. Talk with your partner about how you can set aside time during the day to meet on a physical level, and what types of physical touch makes them feel most comfortable—and remember that kids need physical affection, too.

Tips for Effective Communication

• Engage in active listening

• Practice empathy

• Set clear boundaries

• Take turns talking during conflicts

• Be flexible and make an effort to see your partner or child's perspective

• Recognize how important each person is to the family, without diminishing their contributions

• Avoid name calling or manipulation

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