Every Relationship Goes Through Five Stages—Here’s How To Handle All Of Them
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Like many reality television shows, Love Island may not present dating in the most, well, realistic way—however, it’s more accurate than you might think. That’s because of the way it portrays the many stages of a relationship: you actually see couples progress through every stage in real time, albeit in an extremely expedited way. In real life, these stages take longer and look a bit different.
While each relationship moves at its own pace, all of them inevitably change over time, encountering five clear stages: honeymoon, uncertainty, adjustment, commitment, and acceptance. And similarly to the stages of grief, some stages can repeat or be non-linear, while other stages are progressive.
“Relationships evolve because people evolve,” says Shawntres Parks, PhD, licensed marriage and family therapist and Women's Health advisory board member. As you grow and learn in life, your worldview is constantly expanding, and your relationships will change with you. So, if you’re “engaging in self-development and becoming more self-aware, more introspective, more insightful, chances are your relationship is going to grow in a more positive way,” she adds.
Meet the Experts: Shawntres Parks, PhD, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and Women's Health advisory board member. Betsy Chung, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert in Newport Beach, California.
Ahead, learn about the five main stages that your 'ship will go through, roughly how long they might last, and how to navigate each one.
The Timeline Of Relationship Stages
The Honeymoon Stage: up to six months after the relationship begins
The Uncertainty Stage: six months to two years
The Adjustment Stage: after two years
The Commitment Stage: after two or more years
The Acceptance Stage: after five or more years
The Honeymoon Stage (Up To Six Months After The Relationship Begins)
This stage comes at the very beginning—both you and your S.O. constantly have *that* twinkle in your eye when looking at the other, and everything’s coming up roses. Even though you’re still getting to know each other, you both might feel as if you’ve found the “right” one, says Betsy Chung, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert in Newport Beach, California. “Both [people] are on best behaviors, and understand each other on a very surface level, though it may feel as though they know each other deeply,” she adds.
You’ll know you’re in this stage if you feel euphoria just by thinking of them, and you…ignore some red flags. “There's this symbiosis where everything that the person you're attracted to likes, you like their views and perspectives you tend to align with,” says Parks. “Everything that you're seeing is from the idealized perspective.”
How To Navigate This Stage
Stay on guard. In the honeymoon stage, it'll be so easy to see the green flags that the sometimes red—or orange, or yellow—flags tend to get overlooked. Stay grounded, as "you're setting the stage for the entire relationship" during the honeymoon era, Parks says. (No pressure, though!) It's imperative to "identify any behavior that feels questionable or feels inappropriate and build [useful] skills in that honeymoon stage when it's easier to have conversations," Parks says. For example, if you've confirmed with your partner that you're in a monogamous relationship and then you find out that they're sending flirty texts to other people, that might be a red flag and signify that you're not on the same page in the relationship. Chung also recommends investing in relationships outside of your new one, like with friends and family, who you know will be honest with you about whether this relationship seems like a healthy fit.
Practice consistency. When you make plans with and promises to your partner, follow through. "When you give your word on anything, you're basically giving your significant other the chance to better understand and get accustomed to who you are and what they should expect from you in the relationship," Parks says. If you're inconsistent in this stage, future stages will be harder when real conflicts come, because it'll be harder for your partner to believe that you have the best intentions. But if you're consistent, you're building trust and security that will bolster the 'ship later on, Parks adds.
Enjoy it. "This is the easiest stage of the relationship because there's not going to be much conflict or friction," Parks says. Now is the time to connect and build security and a strong foundation, as well as positive memories and experiences with your partner. So, instead of overthinking when your S.O. took an hour to reply to your text, just trust the process and enjoy every little step of this stage.
The Uncertainty Stage (Six Months Up To Two Years)
Those rose-colored glasses? Consider them off, for the time being. In this stage, you might start to recognize little things about your person that annoy you—suddenly, they don’t seem so perfect anymore. During this stage, “partners begin to uncover flaws about the other person that causes them to question the relationship,” Chung says. You might even reconsider whether they are the “right” one for you.
Still, “as conflict is starting to emerge, it feels very mild,” Parks adds. You aren't “starting to talk about the more serious issues that tend to be really necessary to work through for the success of a long-term relationship,” she says.
How To Navigate This Stage
Don't overthink. During this stage, you might confide in your friends, feel disappointed that your feelings aren’t as intense as before, or even engage in sabotaging behaviors such as starting arguments, Chung adds. If you find yourself fixating on their flaws or behaviors, remember that your S.O. is just a human, and they have both positive and negative traits. Ask yourself how they make you feel, "rather than hyper-focusing on their external flaws," Chung says. On the flip side, if you notice your partner is starting to have reservations, don’t jump to the assumption that they want to break up—they're likely experiencing the thoughts you're having.
Work on communication. Now that you're out of the honeymoon stage and more grounded in reality, you can strengthen your communication skills, Parks says. So, if your birthday is coming up and you want your partner to get a dinner reservation, tell them in advance so they can let you know whether they have the capacity to plan it.
Do some goal-setting together. Set goals for the relationship and make sure you're on the same page. What are your plans for the future—are you aligned on staying together long-term? You can start this conversation by identifying how positive things have been in the relationship up to that point, and any strengths you have as a couple. This will make a great segue into talking about the future, because you've already identified why you're such a great fit. "It's meaningful to engage in these conversations at this time" because you've been together long enough where it's worth to talk about the future, Parks says.
Keep tabs on your mood when you're around them. You're bound to become annoyed with your S.O. from time to time, especially during this stage. But you'll want to pay attention to "the frequency and the intensity of that annoyance," Parks says. This is "the biggest indicator of whether or not [the annoyance] is something that can be worked past, versus something that indicates that the compatibility is just not there." If you're waking up on a daily basis feeling annoyed with them, despite communicating your needs, wants, and expectations, then you might be incompatible. But if the frequency of your annoyance is intermittent, that's a normal emotion that usually occurs even in the healthiest and most compatible 'ships, she adds.
The Adjustment Stage (After Two Years)
If you’re able to get through that initial uncertainty phase, you’ll get to the adjustment stage. Here, you'll be faced with conflicts that are deeper-seated and and harder to navigate—possibly having to do with cultural differences (such as your family culture or ethnic culture), or religious beliefs and morals, Parks says. “You're having to negotiate whatever those challenges are in order to see whether or not this relationship is viable to transition into a long-term partnership,” she adds.
How To Navigate This Stage
Try to handle conflicts and fights together. “Couples at this stage do have a desire to make the relationship work, but continue to remain uncertain of long-term potential,” Chung says. How open you both are to working through difficulties might depend on how long you’ve been together or how attached to you are to one another.
Listen to understand instead of listening to respond. Sometimes in relationships, people are used to reacting through their emotions rather than taking time to understand the context of their partner’s point of view, Parks says. To resolve conflicts, try to “listen to gain a sense of understanding about where your partner is coming from, why they have the belief or the position that they have, and how the two of you together can navigate this difference,” she adds.
Be wary of any relationship habits or patterns forming. This is especially key when it comes to unhealthy ones, like your partner giving you the silent treatment after a fight. A key to getting through this stage is practicing healthy communication and learning to compromise, Chung explains.
The Commitment Stage (After Two Or More Years)
This stage is called the commitment stage for a reason—here, you’ll start to accept each other’s flaws, finding that they “outweigh the difficulties,” Chung says. (Woohoo!) You’ll get more comfortable with each other, in addition to the idea of staying together long-term. "Even though there is naturally going to be struggle and conflict feels more high stakes, there's also a lot of beauty in the safety and security that folks feel when they are feeling more stable in their relationship," Parks adds.
How To Navigate This Stage
Fine-tune your relationship skills. Keep honing in on your communication skills to make sure your wants and needs are being responded to appropriately by your partner, and vice versa. This will tell you whether you're moving in a positive direction overall in the relationship, Parks says. Also, continue staying objective by remembering why you’re in the relationship—it can be easy to stay together just because you’re comfortable with your routine or feel guilty ending it. In the commitment stage, "objectivity means that we don't lose sight of [goals] just because we have a level of security or stability," she adds.
Nurture sexual intimacy. "Many couples find that intimacy is reduced in the commitment stage, because the more security and stability couples feel oftentimes translates to less sex," Parks adds. She recommends nurturing that intimacy at every stage of the relationship: “Excitement and passion is the responsibility of everyone in the relationship, and it is a thing that requires continued work." So, make sex a priority, whether it's planning a hot weekend getaway or communicating a new fantasy to try. The goal here is just not to "lose novelty"—when your relationship is stable, you have to continue trying new things, she says.
The Acceptance Stage (After Five Or More Years)
Getting through obstacles together gives you some safety and security and brings you closer than ever—to the final stage of acceptance. “This is the optimal stage for couples,” Chung says. “Couples experience a level of closeness that's irreplaceable and reassuring of relationship security.” You’ll be grateful for the relationship in this stage, and appreciate your partner as a reliable source of support as you also focus on your own personal goals, like travel, job changes, or relocation.
They might become the first person you call if you’re in a state of emotional distress, if they aren’t already. “We hear couples talking about, ‘My partner is my best friend,’ because typically they've gone through the honeymoon stage, they've gone through early attachment and crisis, and they've come through it,” Parks says. “They truly have a felt sense that they really know and understand each other."
This relationship phase can feel painful, though. After all, “the more connected you are to a person, the scarier it is to lose the relationship,” Chung says. So, she recommends you continue to invest in the other relationships in your life so you aren’t dependent on your S.O.—no matter what stage you're at.
How To Navigate This Stage
Continue leveling up. While you may have theoretically "completed" all of the relationship stages, you can make the last one exceptional by continuing to try new things and reach new levels with your partner. "Establish different goals that allow you to build on the strengths that you've clearly seen in the prior stages of the relationship," Parks says. For instance, you can work on increasing your communication by setting up monthly meetings (think: a State of the Union, but a State of Your Relationship instead), says Parks. During these meetings, you can chat about logistics and larger plans for your goals for the year and beyond, which brings me to...
Set benchmarks for your bigger goals. These goals can be external (like buying a house) or internal (like bettering your communication). If your goal is to buy a house with your partner by the end of the year, you'll want to set up meetings on a monthly or even weekly basis where you can review the benchmarks to see where you're at in terms of saving money, Parks says. During these meetings, also consider your current strengths and areas that may have room for improvement. Doing so will help you and your partner feel more productive and increase satisfaction, she adds.
“Couples that are most successful are open to change, and willing to navigate ups and downs of relationships together,” says Chung. After all, change is both natural and inevitable in a relationship—it's how you handle it that matters.
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