This Is Why Overscheduling Your Kids’ Activities May Be Ruining Your Relationship

A new survey shows that managing the mental load is a full-time job that leaves less space for couple time.

Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah Scott

Back to school brings a return to routines, structure, and scheduled activity times. While you might think that loosens the pressure parents may have felt during the summer months serving as Chief Activity Officer of their families in an attempt to keep kids entertained, a new report from Skylight, paints a different picture.

The company, which sells smart calendars for families, indicates that the mental load created by scheduling is a full-time job for parents. It's also leaving less time for couples to focus on their relationship.

But why is this happening, and what can we do? Marriage and family therapists weigh in how overscheduling can affect relationships, as well as tips for lightening the mental load and making time for each other.

How Overscheduling Is Impacting Couples

The survey, which was conducted with the Harris Poll, involved responses from more than 2,000 parents and found:

• Parents spend 30.4 hours weekly planning and coordinating family tasks and schedules (less than 10 hours shy of a 9 to 5, Monday through Friday job)

• The average parent would earn $60,000 if they were compensated $35.86 for their mental load like a paid employee

• 61% of parents say the scheduling load has decreased the time they spend with their partner

• Nearly 25% of couples have sought therapy to cope with family scheduling

• Nearly half (47%) of couples say stress related to overscheduling led them to have less or worse sex

“This felt quite shocking even though, as a working mother of two, I shouldn’t have been so surprised,” says Maddy Hague, the creative director of performance at Skylight. “These results validated the conversations I’ve been having at Skylight and with other parents. We’re all feeling stretched thin, and that’s why it felt so important to dive deeper into how the mental load is impacting our time and relationships.”

Indeed, this report adds to a steady drumbeat of alarm bells about overscheduling and parental stress. A LEGO report from 2023 suggested that more than half (57%) of parents felt their children spent more time on achievement-based activities like school or sports in the last three years, often at the expense of unstructured play. In August, the U.S. Surgeon General issued a report about the high levels of stress today’s parents are experiencing.

"We’re all feeling stretched thin, and that’s why it felt so important to dive deeper into how the mental load is impacting our time and relationships."

Maddy Hague of Skylight

The Mental Load That Comes With Overscheduling

The concepts of mental load and overscheduling have become more mainstream thanks to social media, but it might help to get some expert definitions.

“To put it simply, the mental load is the cognitive, physical, and emotional work it takes to care for children and maintain a home,” says Bridget Jones, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.

Dr. Jones says the mental load can include:

• Household chores

• Remembering a child’s school supplies

• Providing and finding child care

• Scheduling appointments

• Researching behavioral or developmental recommendations

• Shopping for and prepping meals

That alone can feel like a job. Add in actually getting children to those appointments, sports practices, school, and music lessons, and you can see why schedules are jammed.

“The common thread of an overscheduled person is that they feel overwhelmed more days than not and do not feel like they are managing in any area of life," says Abbey Sangmeister, MSEd, LPC, ACS, therapist, coach, and founder of Evolving Whole.

Why Are Parents Overscheduling?

There are several reasons why families overschedule. Dr. Jones says these include:

• Pressure to sign children up for activities to assist with their development

• Comparison and feeling like you and your kids are “not doing enough"

• Busy parental schedules, with caregivers thinking that keeping children in after-school activities will allow them to complete work requirements

• Cultural prioritization of work and productivity over rest

Alejandra Galindo, LMFT, with Thriveworks in Houston, stresses that overscheduling is a systemic and societal issue. Some parents lack PTO or systematic support to lighten the mental load, delegate tasks, and spend time at home with their children and/or partner resting, explains Galindo.

Tips To Cope With Overscheduling as a Couple

You’re not alone if you feel stretched too thin and don’t have much control over your PTO situation. However, mental health professionals share there are ways to work together as a couple to reduce the weight of the mental load and pressure to overschedule.

Talk about it

Yes, you’re busy, but consider carving out time to speak with your partner about mental load-related concerns and tasks. This can free up space in your calendar (and head) long-term.

“Go over goals and expectations and have focused conversations,” Sangmeister says. “These conversations may be solution-focused or a time to only hear each other.“

Dr. Jones recommends using this time to create a task list and divide and conquer in a way that feels equitable for your family. "Do this by playing to each other’s strengths,” Dr. Jones says. “For example, one partner may enjoy organizing and scheduling appointments, while another may enjoy cooking dinners.”

You can also delve into priorities. Galindo suggests sharing your top two goals for each week. “When partners are on the same page with planning, they often experience less burnout and anxiety," says Galindo. "This also helps to increase quality time and intimacy through emotional attunement.”

And Sangmeister says it’s always important to approach these conversations with empathy and compassion for each other.

Support each other’s need to decompress

Scheduling rest and honoring it is important and something couples can work on together.

“This will look like reminding and helping your partner schedule the time for themselves,” Sangmeister says. “Support them during time away by having the awareness to take care of things around the home and the children without asking or interrupting that time away.”

Make time for just you two

Setting aside intentional time for date nights is important, Galindo says. It can be an at-home movie night once the kids are tucked into bed or securing child care and going out to dinner.

This time can be different for everyone—it doesn’t have to look a “certain way” for it to be an intimate time for the two of you.

"Each person has their limits, and it’s important to work within those limits or plan tasks based on each other’s strengths."

Alejandra Galindo, LMFT

Don’t be scared to pull back

Breaking free from overscheduling is a process that isn’t always linear. You can check all of the above boxes and still feel stretched too thin.

“Look at your calendar and go ahead and cancel one activity or event without an excuse,” Sangmeister says. “Do not cancel your therapy or doctors appointments—you need those—but other events can be canceled or moved.”

Remember: “It is OK to say ‘no’ or ‘I’ll have to think about that’ before committing to plans,” Galindo says. “Each person has their limits, and it’s important to work within those limits or plan tasks based on each other’s strengths.”

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