What does ENM mean? Your polyamory questions, answered.
What does "polysaturation" mean? What is a "metamour?" What about a "relationship escalator?"
As conversations around polyamory go more mainstream, plenty of terms get thrown around that might sound unfamiliar to those outside those communities.
To start with, polyamory means "multiple loves" – a word coined in the late 20th century, with Greek and Latin roots.
"It usually describes a particular approach to (consensual non-monogamy) that prioritizes ongoing emotional and sexual connections with multiple partners," Sheila Addison, a family and marriage therapist, told USA TODAY. It's not to be confused with polygamy, aka "multiple wives" – something typically associated with religious or cultural practices, she said.
Experts have broken down some of the other key ones you should know, from "ENM" to "relationship anarchy." And keep in mind you don't have to be interested in trying polyamory to read up on it. "The more that even monogamous people are willing to learn and educate themselves about polyamory, the better it is for everyone," Shanna Kattari, associate professor at the School of Social Work and in the Women’s and Gender Studies Department at the University of Michigan, told USA TODAY.
Great question: Why are we so obsessed with polyamory?
What is ENM? What does monogamous mean?
Consensual or ethical non-monogamy. These terms are synonymous and ways to describe polyamorous relationships. Ethical non-monogamy is also known colloquially as "ENM." Polyamory is a type of consensual non-monogamy. Monogamy, of course, is seeing only one person at a time (though "modern monogamy" would like a word).
Solo polyamory. This is when "polyamorists have multiple relationships but do not become intertwined with the other people," said Adrienne Davis, organizational behavior and law professor at Washington University in St. Louis. They might not live with nor share finances with partners, according to WebMD.
Metamour. That's shorthand for "your partner's partner," according to Jessica Daylover, co-author of "Polyamory and Parenthood." It's a platonic connection you have with someone with whom you share a romantic relationship. Daylover's metamour is almost like a stepmother, while she calls her boyfriend a "proxy parent" to her kids.
Kitchen-table polyamory. A family-like bond between partners is encouraged. The web of all these relationships is referred to as a "polycule."
It can get complicated: Polyamory, pregnancy and the truth about what happens when a baby enters the picture
What about polysaturation or relationship anarchy?
Polysaturation. This happens "when ENM individuals reach the maximum number of romantic or sexual relationships that they can comfortably and sustainably manage," says Grace Lawrie, a licensed professional counselor. They may not be able to add relationships into their life "without compromising the quality of their existing relationships or their own well-being." Everyone has different bandwidth levels of polysaturation.
Relationship anarchy. "The practice of actively choosing to tailor and customize your relationships to your own wants and needs, without influence from the culture or the relationship escalator," according to Daylover's book.
Relationship escalator. Daylover calls this "the default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships" in her book. She and her husband also write: "Partners are expected to remain together at the top of the escalator until death, and de-escalating or dismantling in any way is considered a 'failure.' When people ask 'is it getting serious?' about a new relationship, what they’re really asking is, 'is the relationship traveling up the escalator?'"
Now the next time polyamory comes up in conversation, you'll be able to participate and use the right terms.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: What is ENM? What is polyamorous? Polyamory terms, defined
