Grief counselors: Be kind to yourself after a loss
Aug. 30—Helen Fernald was 40 years old when her mother died unexpectedly, the news coming in a telegram while Fernald was vacationing with her family in Spain. After the funeral, the Wolfeboro resident busied herself in work and her growing family.
Four years later, she said, "I completely fell apart."
She got pneumonia, which led to a seizure, a fall and a fractured spine. The medical crisis led to a long period of recovery — and a revelation: "It was very clear it was because of the grief I never expressed," Fernald said.
Aside from birth and death, grief is the one universal experience we all share, arriving unbidden and unwelcome. It may stem from the loss of a parent, a partner, a dear friend, a child, even a family pet.
As bereavement coordinator at Home Health & Hospice Care in Merrimack, Whitney Hall encounters grief on a daily basis. "No one goes through life without grief, not just death but all kinds of loss," she said, noting that a move, job loss or divorce can also trigger grief.
Grief is both universal and completely unique to each person, Hall said. "Nobody can fully understand what somebody else's grief is like, so there's an inherent tension in trying to understand grief," she said.
For many older individuals, she said, "It's the idea of facing life alone, usually for the first time in their lives."
For younger people who lose their parents, grief also brings "the sense that time goes by fast," she said. "We always think we're going to have more time with the people that we love. And we always want more time no matter how much time we had."
The loss of a pet can be as shattering as the loss of a relative, Hall said. "We grieve so deeply because that is such a pure connection," she said.
Pets give us "unconditional, uncomplicated love," she said. "It's not complicated by any of the things that complicate human relationships."
In addition, she said, "Because our pets live a short time in comparison to us, I think we also on a much more existential level grieve how quickly time goes."
Write to them
A common instinct after a death is to think about what you should have done or said differently, Hall said. She urges people to be kind to themselves.
"Hindsight is great but it's also a curse," she said. "We have to give ourselves a little grace."
She encourages those who are grieving to talk to their departed loved ones, or write letters to them. "We try to find ways to bring some sense of completion to those feelings," she said.
That's exactly how Helen Fernald found her way through her grief after her mother died.
She started writing letters to her mother, expressing everything she wished she had told her.
It was a journey of healing and hope, one she now wants to share with others.
Fernald has compiled those letters in a new book, "Love, Helen." She also is starting a monthly support group for "motherless daughters." The first meeting is on Sept. 20 at 11 a.m. at the First Congregational Church in Wolfeboro.
"What I'm trying to do with this is just create a community so that people can feel safe talking about their grief," she said.
There's no 'right way'
Hall from Home Health & Hospice Care wants people to know that there's no right or wrong way to grieve, and no timetable. "No one ever thinks they're doing it right," she said. "People need to know that whatever their grief looks like, that's OK."
That's why some self-help books about grief can be less than helpful, she said. She advises people to take what is useful from such books "and ignore all the other stuff."
That culture of keeping a "stiff upper lip" through hardship can postpone healing, Hall said. "One of the things about grief is that we have to go through it in order to find resolution to it," she said. "We can't shortcut it.
"It feels easier to not deal with the grief, but it just hangs out there like a volcano, waiting to come out."
Telling someone who is grieving that it's time to "move on" or "get over it" is not helpful either, Hall said. "I think the worst thing you can do is tell them to not feel how they feel," she said.
Instead, give that person permission to be sad, and be with them in those moments, Hall said. And don't tell someone to call if they need something. "This is New England," she said. "No one's going to call you and ask you to come help them."
Instead, "Do the practical things that need to be done," such as grocery shopping, bringing food or doing laundry, she said.
A year — or more
The psychology community recently added the diagnosis of Prolonged Grief Disorder to the diagnostic manual, Hall said, defined as unchanging, intense grief that lasts more than a year.
Hall thinks that time frame is too short; for many people, it may take longer to start feeling better. But she said, "By three years, if things feel exactly the same, then you need to be having a conversation with somebody," such as a pastor, physician or counselor.
Support groups can be powerful tools for healing, Hall said. "The great value of being with people who are in similar situations is that we hear our story reflected," she said. And when that happens, she said, "We can both give and receive hope and support."
"We always say grief doesn't go away; we grow around the grief," Hall said. "The grief stays with us but we learn how to carry it. We learn how to take it with us."
"Which is why, 20 years later, you smell something baking and you start crying, because it reminds you of your grandmother."
For information about free support groups, memorial events, workshops and resources, visit: hhhc.org/home-care-services/bereavement.
