The ‘nag paradox’ creates household fights. This mom wants to break the cycle

There is a dynamic lurking beneath the surface in many relationships that can set them up for failure. Educator Laura Danger calls this issue the "nag paradox."

"The nag paradox is that very tricky and very common household dynamic where one person manages more of the mental load and is making more of the decisions around the logistics of the household," Danger explains. "And the other person is playing a support role, or is in a position of taking directions, or only giving periodic feedback."

The problem is that the first person is exhausted from the invisible labor of steering the ship while the second person is tired of being told how to row. Eventually, both partners fall into a cycle of resentment.

Danger, a mom of two from Chicago, Illinois, works with individuals, couples and groups on the topic of emotional labor. She has a book coming out next year called "No More Mediocre" that addresses domestic engineering, relationship connection ... and the nag paradox.

Recently, Danger's videos about the issue have been generating buzz on social media.

In this Instagram video, she called the nag paradox a "trap" because "when one person is decision-making, standard-setting and asking for help," they are actually asking to connect with their partner. The person on the receiving end of the requests or critiques may not see the request as a bid for connection. Instead, they get defensive.

“The idea of nagging is that somebody’s upset about something that doesn’t matter. Domestic labor matters. Connecting with your partner matters. You’re not a nag for wanting partnership,” she concluded.

Danger tells TODAY.com the woman in a heterosexual relationship tends to fall into the “nag” category more often than the man, but she has also seen the dynamic play out through same-sex couples, polyamorous families and even platonic roommates. “It is a very common experience across the board,” she says.

Having children in the household complicates matters because “the stakes are much higher.”

Danger gives a common example: What happens when you delegate the school Spirit Week clothing requests to your partner, who neglects to dress your 6-year-old in pajamas for Pajama Day?

“The consequences are big. It may make the whole day a disaster; they may feel let down by their parents,” she says.

How on earth did we get to this place?

"One of the biggest pieces of the puzzle is that we don't see mental or emotional labor as labor," Danger says. It doesn't seem "hard" to make lists or delegate tasks. “We don’t see that work as taking up any kind of time, energy or mental space.”

Plus, Danger says that the trope of the nagging wife and eye-rolling husband are modeled in "every show, every movie."

(Incidentally, TODAY.com staffers tried to come up with an example of equal partnership reflected in television and the most recent examples were Beth and Randall from “This is Us" and Dre and Rainbow from "Black-ish." But both series ended in 2022.)

If you are entrenched in a cycle of resentment because of the nag paradox, it may feel impossible to break out of it. But Danger has a few easy suggestions for getting started.

First, you can add an acknowledgement that a task is occurring.

Take a look at summer camp registration, which can often be a sore spot for couples. One person generally does hours of research on potential options, reviews the budget and does other "back-end work that is not even acknowledged or noticed."

Instead of jumping right into the labor, Danger suggests saying, "'Hey, how do you want to handle this? Should I start research? Or do you want to do it together?'"

Verbalizing that work needs to be done is the first microstep in attempting to make the workload more equitable. And one person can make this change independently. You don't have to get your partner "on board" to begin. You can start right now.

It also helps to consider the feelings of your partner. Being on the receiving end of feedback — even "gently expressed" repeated guidance — doesn't feel great. Consider ways you might be proactive in tackling the to-do list or making decisions.

If you have children, Danger suggests working on their intrinsic motivation: "teach them the why and how of how to do things so they take full ownership over tasks and get to know their own approach to them, or getting efficient at them, or feeling proud of how they did." Doing so will mean "a lot less telling them what to do and more empowering them to feel confident."

If you're looking for a place to start, Danger suggests reading "Our Home," a picture book by Laurie Sugarman-Li, by that "reframes chores as something you do as a way of showing up for your family, like a loving act."

Above all else, if you want to make a change in your relationship, "continue to talk about it," says Danger. "If you're already emotionally or mentally exhausted, it can feel like too big a battle to wage ... but it is worth it! If you want to have a relationship that's better or more balanced in the long run, it's worth doing."

This article was originally published on TODAY.com