Rewatching 'My So-Called Life' 30 years later ... as a 'so-called' parent

Is it a tad dramatic to say that my whole world changed when "My So-Called Life" premiered on Aug. 25, 1994?

Perhaps. But it's also very Angela Chase.

Almost exactly 30 years ago, I watched former good girl Angela (played by the magnificent Claire Danes) dye her hair a bright red — ahem, "crimson glow" — because bad girl and new BFF Rayanne Graff (A.J. Langer) told Angela that her hair was holding her back. It made teenage me immediately start wondering, What's holding ME back?

Truth be told, nothing was holding me back. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to a show in which every character literally made the opposite choice that I would have made.

The show, which delightfully refers to its characters by first and last name, aired during my senior year in high school. I was an honors student, school council president and lead in the school play. I didn't wear combat boots and didn't have flannel in various earthtone shades of plaid. I didn't cut school or lie to my parents. And neither did my high school friends, who were similarly obsessed with the show. We were way more Sharon Cherski (played by Devon Odessa) than Angela Chase, but Sharon was such a snooze we refused to admit that.

To this day, my friends and I still talk about the hours we spent dissecting every nuance of the show's almost visibly beating heart: Angela's crush on the magnetic, aloof, monosyllabic, unforgettable Jordan Catalano (played by Jared Leto). In fact, we all just sent this meme from @TheMotherOctopus around in our group chat last week: "If you had a crush on Jordan Catalano, it's probably time for a calcium supplement."

I would have never had a crush on a greasy-haired troublemaker in real life ... but those blue eyes. And the way he leaned.

“I just like how he’s always leaning. Against stuff. He leans great,” said Angela in the show's premiere. We wholeheartedly agreed.

I proposed a rewatch of "My So-Called Life" to see how the show hits differently now that I'm — sigh — middle aged.

And here's the thing I realized: I don't want to believe that I'm no longer Angela Chase.

Today, I'm Angela's parents, Patty and Graham (Bess Armstrong and Tom Irwin), who are even snoozier than Sharon Chersky. Like them, I’m raising two young daughters and talking about things like taxes and bills. I still look around for the adult in the room even though I am the adult.

Somehow, I just don’t have a ton of sympathy for Patty, even though she’s totally a misunderstood mom just doing her best. The only connection I felt to Patty was in a dinner scene when Angela (in a voiceover) said, “I cannot bring myself to eat a well-balanced meal in front of my mother. It just means too much to her.”

I don't want well-balanced meals to mean too much to me (even though they totally do). I don’t want to be Patty. I’d rather be Angela, with the world still in front of me instead of in the rearview. Patty feels very black-and-white while Angela sparkles with technicolor ... albeit a very muted, grungy, appropriately 1994 sort of technicolor.

In my humble opinion (as everyone on the show would say), the high school scenes are still vivid and relatable, both for teens going through adolescence (the process of becoming an adult) and for women going through matrescence (the process of becoming a mom).

Both life changes involve fairly significant physical adjustments, a mental recalibration of your identity and the onset of new responsibilities. You are figuratively (and sometimes literally) ripped open and forced to go about your normal routine while your wounds are still healing.

You may try on new personalities or gravitate toward different social groups as you navigate where you fit in. You may be completely overwhelmed. You may be up all night in a cycle of seemingly endless exhaustion as you attempt to decipher the behavior of another human being. You may even be mourning the seemingly easier life you left behind. In both cases, zits can be a problem. (The show had an entire episode about this.)

And of course there's the bottomless longing to be somewhere, anywhere, other than where you are.

Angela Chase wants to figure out who she is.

Jordan Catalano wants guidance.

Sharon Chersky wants Angela to go back to the way she was.

Patty and Graham Chase want their old spark back.

Rayanne Graff wants to stand out.

Rickie Vasquez (Wilson Cruz) wants to fit in.

Brian Crackow (Devon Gummersall) wants Angela to notice him.

That longing — on every front — feels palpable upon rewatch, and it's achingly real, whether you're pining after the indie guy who is too cool for school or craving just 24 hours without nighttime wakeups, making meals or changing diapers. Sometimes you need to say "whatever" a billion times just to make it through the day.

"My So-Called Life" only had one brief, shining season, but that somehow makes it perfectly imperfect, unfinished, raw. Just like its characters.

No, I haven't dyed my hair crimson glow ... yet. But someday, when the mommy routine becomes too monotonous and I long for a change, I just might.

This article was originally published on TODAY.com