Is It Rude To Not Share Secret Family Recipes?
Family recipes are treasured mementos and time-honored traditions passed down through generations. So it only makes sense that one might be a little stingy with sharing them, right?
In an AITA (Am I the A-hole?) Reddit thread, a woman refused to share her family's chili recipe with her boyfriend's mother. A few months prior, the mother banned the original poster from a family vacation because she "wasn't family yet."
Here are all the cringey details: "Nick’s family was coming over so I decided to make my family’s chili recipe to celebrate the cold weather. Nick and his family love my chili so I made sure there was enough for them to take home," she recounted in the post. "Before Nick’s mom left she asked if I could share the recipe with her so she could make it for a work potluck. I told her sorry but this is a secret family recipe. She asked aren’t we already considered family[?] I replied, 'according to you we aren’t.' After that she when 'oh ok' then left."
While, sure, it might have been a petty response to her the mom's family-vacation rules, it begs the question: Is it rude to not share a secret family recipe? Can you just say no in the first place? Or does that make you an a-hole? Like many delicate situations, it's not always so cut and dry.
What's The Official Etiquette Here?
"It’s not unusual for people to want to keep family recipes close to the vest. The reality is that most recipes, or a close version of them, can be found online," Diane Gottsman, national etiquette expert and owner of The Protocol School of Texas, tells Delish. "Much of the history, along with the special ingredients or the tiny tweak that no one else does has been handed down from generation to generation, and the emotional attachment is the 'memory,' along with the ritual of baking, cooking and enjoying the dish with people you love."
Because of this sentimental factor, Gottsman says there really is no widespread protocol to whether you have to share a family recipe or not—and the etiquette might differ family to family.
"In some families, sharing a recipe is a family violation of a longstanding tradition. Recipes that have been handed down or perfected by you, have taken time and effort, and it’s hard to let go of something that has taken so long to perfect," she says. "The cook may want to keep a certain ingredient a 'secret,' and that is perfectly fine."
However, there is a proper way to go about refusing—and that means you should probably not follow the Reddit poster's model.
"You want to be very diplomatic, careful not to offend the other person," Gottsman says. "You can say, 'It’s a standard chocolate cookies recipe with a couple of secret ingredients that my grandmother fine-tuned throughout the years. We have all taken a vow of confidentiality.' Smile and keep your tone of voice friendly."
It never hurts to ask, though, according to Gottsman. "Some people don’t mind, and others will let you know they don’t share recipes. Don’t get your feelings hurt. Understand it’s not personal. It’s a tradition they want to keep for themselves. Also, they may want to be the one who makes this special dish from year to year and it feels like private property."
How do you feel about sharing your family recipes? Let us know in the comments.
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