Yankee Doodle doozie: County elections candidate sees anti-patriotic plot in snack aisle

The only Republican candidate to be the next supervisor of elections in Palm Beach County is standing up for what he calls “patriotic junk food.”

“When did Hostess cancel Yankee Doodles?” asked Jeff Buongiorno on his campaign social media page.

It’s not out of character for “Bongi” — as he likes to be called — to question so-called "cancel culture.”

Bongi’s a self-proclaimed MAGA America-Firster, which means that if he gets elected in November, Palm Beach County would have an elections denying elections supervisor.

Go figure.

“It’s been decades since we had a transparent, fully certifiable election and the people are not aware,” Buongiorno said.

This isn’t Buongiorno's first foray into politics. Two years ago, he ran unsuccessfully for Congress, calling to “defund and shutdown the illegitimate (Biden) administration.”

This month, Bongi has temporarily wandered away from furthering conspiracy theories about the global cabal of election stealers to ruminate about the leftist agenda on the snack cakes aisle.

“All the left does is cancel,” Bongi posted on X as a preamble to his Yankee Doodles question. “Student debt. Borders. Any opposing views. Women’s sports. Elections. What did I miss?”

Apparently, Bongi thought the answer to his question was the snack cake that had the vaguely patriotic name “Yankee” in it. After all, that would be so in-character for the America-hating liberals! Right?

I think I can help Bongi to refine this message:

First they came for Yodels, and I did not speak out because I preferred Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. Then they came for the Ding Dongs, and I did not say anything, because I was into HoHos. And by the time they came for my Twinkees …

So, I called him to get to the bottom of this alleged conspiracy to deprive patriots of their America-First vanilla-creme-injected cupcakes.

After all, the Devil Dogs are in the details.

“I wasn’t aware that Yankee Doodles were canceled,” I told him, professing a complete ignorance in the Deep Snack State — like a typical Soros-backed newspaper columnist.

“I was going to buy it for my nephew and I couldn’t find it,” Bongi told me.

Bongi then said he had a friend who had a delivery route and was told that Hostess canceled Yankee Doodles because the name suggested pride in America.

“It symbolized something patriotic, like Yankee Doodle came to town,” Bongi told me.

Ah, yes! I know the song. It’s the one about the guy who calls a feather in his hat macaroni. Lots of national pride in those lyrics.

This America-hating campaign makes perfect sense, except that Yankee Doodles are a product of Drake’s, not Hostess, and one click of the computer shows that they are still sold in stores and available for home delivery.

Not to nitpick but they’re not on the shelves in Florida because they’re a regional product. Drake’s helpfully provides an online store locator that gives the names and addresses of the supermarkets and convenience stores that stock their products around the country.

It shows that Yankee Doodles are really big in the Northeast, especially around Teaneck, New Jersey, where Buongiorno was born.

But just to make sure, I checked with Drake’s parent company to question whether woke cupcake warriors had launched an attack on our precious national reserve of America-loving, God-fearing snack food.

Nope. Not in the real world.

“Yankee Doodles are alive and well,” Mike Gloekler, the spokesperson for McKee Foods, responded. “No plans to discontinue such a long-time popular variety of our Drake’s Cakes.”

So, maybe the guy who thinks our elections are all fixed is right about that conspiracy theory but wrong about the one involving Yankee Doodles.

But wait. Foolish me to think this is over. Conspiracy theorists don’t give up that easily.

Buongiorno’s still not conceding his Yankee Doodles cancel-culture claim. Shortly after I spoke with him, Bongi’s campaign page on X posted a video of him conceding that Yankee Doodles were made by Drake’s, not Hostess, (a baby step toward reality) but still claiming they’ve been canceled.

As alleged proof, the video shows him clicking on a “Yankee Doodles” web page for Drake’s and getting a white screen displaying the message “403 Forbidden.”

This “forbidden” message is a common one that pops up when you have a connection issue in the computer. It doesn’t mean that the previous thing you clicked on was forbidden.

Warning: High windy alert. The political conspiracy explanation for Florida hurricanes

But if you’re a chronic conspiracy theorist, this is proof enough, certainly more concrete than election-sabotaging Italian satellites, Chinese bamboo-fiber ballots, and votes counted in Germany by affiliates of the long-dead Hugo Chávez of Venezuela.

“And here is the cold, hard, facts,” Buongiorno says in the video. “Yes, Yankee Doodles are strictly forbidden. Here you go.”

Does this mean I have to break the bad news to Drake’s that the product they are selling isn’t being sold anymore?

More: 'Victims of Communism Day' in Florida schools steeped in propaganda, not education

“I’ve corrected you on this Mr. Cerabino,” Buongiorno continued. “And I’d love to have the opportunity to speak to you about election fraud.”

Sorry, Bongi. I draw the line with snack-food deniers.

Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, part of the Gannett Newspapers chain.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Palm Beach County candidate fights imaginary cancel culture war